Friday, January 16, 2009

Conspiracy Theory Alert

Two things happened yesterday:

  • A plane flying out of NYC was forced to land in the Hudson River in, as newscasts put it, "the shadow of ground zero."
  • Dubya gave his farewell address.

I suspect a large number of anthropophobic, obsessive-compulsive conspiracy theorists are at this very instant penning their belief that these occurrences are not coincidental. The beginning if Dubya's presidency was marked with a terrible incident involving a commercial jet running into something that it shouldn't. And now, the end of his presidency is marked with another commercial airline incident — and in the same general location as the first!

I'm sure the stories will differ. Some may believe that this incident was designed to show people that, even though things can happen, airlines are still safer than they were on Sept. 11, 2001. Others may believe that this is a failed attempt (by either Bush or his enemies) to crash another plane in the same general area.

Who could be involved? Dubya and Cheney, of course. Barack Obama, likely. Big oil? Commercial airline bigwigs? Osama bin Laden? Rudy Giuliani? Al Frankton? The Illuminati? Martha Stewart?

Regardless of what their stories turn out to be, I'd wager that they will all miss the mark. The downing of flight 1549 reveals a new threat that I'm sure all the usual conspiracy theorists will miss, that will go unspoken even in the most paranoid circles. The threat is, of course, suicide Canada geese.

Of course, these are only the pawns in a global war against homo sapiens. The real ringleaders are the squirrels, the most intelligent animal on Earth apart from humans. (Have you ever been to a college or university — hubs of learning and cutting-edge technology — that wasn't jam-packed with eager squirrels?)

[Hat tip to Tim Bedore]

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